8. David Barton Gym

Gays love night clubs, but what is a gay to do during the day? That’s where the day club that is David Barton Gym comes in. With three locations ( in Chelsea, the Upper East Side, and Astor Place), this gym has become the sexiest place for NY gays to get sexy.

The biggest selling point of the gym is that it tries to be a more deluxe version of a gym, even offering alcohol for its patrons. However, the whole notion of a gym being upscale is confusing. When people work out they make ugly faces, sweat profusely and get funky. Why make a gym luxurious for that??? That’s like cleaning up your place before a hooker arrives, or wearing something expensive to go to Magnolia Bakery.

The tagline of the gym “Look Better Naked” is very appetizing though. It hits you where it hurts; everyone can find something flattering to their shape but the true test of mantenance is the birthday suit, and hell hath no fury a gay rejected because of his body.

David Barton himself is an interesting person. Addicted to gyms since he was 12, the Queens native is an ivy league alum. He graduated from Cornell, majoring human development. The Observer published an article in which journalist Molly Rosen comments,”When he says hello, his neck and right bicep muscle begin to twitch violently, as if they are growing at an inhumanly bionic rate.” In pictures he looks like Hulk Hogan and Rihanna had a baby.

But you have to respect the guy. Gays love his establishment and he obviously made it for us. He seems like a breeder we could be okay with. In December 2010, he held a toy drive party at the Astor Place location. This is what it looked like.


7. Dance Music

If you are someone used to bars where breeders typically go, you will notice immediately when you walk into a gay bar that the music is not the same. Flo Rida anthems and Usher fist pumpers are replaced with four-on-the-floor beats, courtesy of artists such as Madonna, Britney and even David Guetta. Dance music, especially now, has emerged as a zeitgeist in not only clubs but in the music industry itself. Dance music has become the new music crave among gays and not as cool people alike.

Of course, New York gays should feel especially entitled to this type of music. After all, the Big Gay Apple was one of the progenitors of dance music, revolutionizing it for the rest of the world. However, what most don’t know is that house music as we know it actually originated in Chicago. Not only that, but the people who started the music form were gay black men (but of course most dominant music crave stolen to be popularized would naturally have to be a mix between the most copied people on earth: gays and black men).

Gay black people like DJs Larry Levan and Frankie Knuckles who ushered house music into mainstream eventually playing for places like The Continental Baths, a New York bathhouse, in 1973. That bathhouse in the Ansonia Hotel on the Upper West Side would later give birth to performers such as Gladys Knight & The Pips, Bette Miidler and Barry Manilow. Yeah… they don’t usually talk about that.

After Disco ended, gay black men in the late 60s and early 70s who Chicago’s underground music scene attended cheap discos that offered all night music. Gay Black men began getting pissed off if the music was interrupted so in response to the need, DJs fashioned beets that combined soul classics and a four-to-the-floor rhythm. This music would later venture to New York, Europe and now today everyone has found out about the beauty of the beat.

So the moral of the story: gay black people invented everything. The end.


6. Being Sad

Everyone needs to get a little crying fix now and then but come on gays, let’s admit it: we lay it on thick sometimes. But again, there’s nothing like admitting your sadness to others and being blanketed by uplifting remarks and care. It’s like being sick at your mom’s place and having her cook chicken noodle soup for your enabled, Failure to Launch ass.

Or even if you are alone, there’s nothing like an excuse to pop open a Haagen Dazs to help smooth your rocky road (ha ha ha, see what I did there?).

But on the serious side, gays have exhibited higher rates of depression than heterosexuals. It is also said that this depression leads to alcohol and substance abuse (like Lohan dust). People are still researching why gays experience more depression. Oh, I don’t know, maybe the weight of disapproval from society along with ubiquitous inequality and ignorance penetrating our every single day living? It’s just a guess.

Either way, if you are a gay feeling depression from #gayboyproblems or from another life situation, know that it gets better. And if my words didn’t help, here’s a laugh…

4. Tea

New York gays love tea. Thanks to the retailers like Teavana and even Starbucks, people are interested in leaves that may be healthier alternative for those afraid of coffee addiction or energy drinks.

There are hundreds of shops in Manhattan that sell the leafy gold. There are many notable “Tea Salons” in New York such as Alice’s Tea Cup on the Upper West Side and Franchia in East Midtown. One that is highly frequented by gays is Tea and Sympathy in the West Village. It’s a bit strange that of all the names they could have chosen for the shop, which is located in a very gay part of town, the owners decided to use one that shares the title of a homophobic movie. But hey, gays who enjoy tea have to endure teabag jokes anyway (what did you think I was going link to?).

But it appears that the whole country has discovered its beauty. According to the Tea Association of the USA, the dollar value of tea in the United States will move from over $7.77 Billion in 2010 to nearly $15 billion by the end of 2014. This may have a lot to do with Starbucks and iced tea drinks (85% of tea is consumed over ice).

But why do gays like tea? There are many explanations: the Tea Association of the USA also explains that tea appeals to the individuality of consumers, and we all know gays love to express individuality. The association goes further and describing tea demographics with the same adjectives that I would describe the NY gay scene with: describing them as a younger, more affluent, more educated, health conscious, and socially responsible. I would also describe Bravo TV’s programming with the same adjective, proving my assertion.

3. Interior Design

If a person happens to end up in a homo abode, chances are you will be impressed by beautiful fixtures, adorable coasters, expensive carpeting—basically you will be looking at a catalogue come to life. The place will be so pristine the toilet water will be infused with Teavana.

But surprisingly Chelsea and Hells Kitchen, two of the gayest neighborhoods in New York are places in the city with the smallest number of interior design firms. A quick look at Google maps reflects this discrepancy.

Not surprisingly Soho and the Upper East side have tons to please all of the waspy housewives whose contribution to the world is spending money on it. But where is the gay love?

I think we should arrange a rebellion to get what is rightfully ours: a Crate and Barrell in Chelsea or Hells Kitchen, or better yet, why don’t we build it around the High Line??? We could get rid of the overpass where they sell shitty coffee or the awkward theatre thing and replace it with home decor heaven!

2. Topman Clothing

Topman gay (top·man ghey) noun; origin: first Euro. “pretentious lad everyone wanted to be”

1. An evolution of the Urban Outfitter gay (equipped with sharper image, yet so much less chill about the small stuff)

2. An evolution of the H&M gay (due to loss of vestige responsible for being cheap)

The Topman in Soho first opened up its doors April 1st of 2009 with Kate Moss cutting the ribbon, revealing to NY gays the overpriced heaven that is their clothing.

Topman is a pillar in the NY gay community, not only because it is so frequently worn by Gayorkers but also because it is a clothing outlet straight men have yet to exploit. Every gay knows that straight men steal queer clothing trends as fast as they steal things black people like. First they took Gap from us so we migrated to Urban Outfitter. However they stole that with a vengeance and ruined it; we wore Urban to look grungy ironically while breeders wore it to actually look and be grungy.  Alas we migrated to H&M but damn breeders found out about that too because of how cheap it was, like Forever 21 for men. They also stole American Apparel for a bit but decided to give it back (but let’s be honest: nobody who respects their body would ever let something from American touch it). Topman is our latest bastion in the ever present battle to preserve our fashion.