13. Haters

Haters are the best. As you soar, they have comments galore. As you conquer the game, they gossip about your fame. As you get rich, they start to bitch.

Haters are the best because as they talk about you more and more, you get that much more popular. Haters also indicate how successful you are. If you have no haters, you have no accomplishments. They are essential barometers of your abilities and if you amass a multitude of them, you’ve done it right. But the best part about haters is finding out how much of a shit you don’t give about another person’s opinion.

The gay community has many haters. Let’s talk about three of the biggest offenders (though there are so many we could talk about):

Rick Santorum

Everybody is waiting for the day when Rick Santorum is caught in a urinal with a boy prostitute. The man thinks about gay sex more than sex toy makers in San Francisco. He has alienated the gay community so much that his view on homosexuality has its own Wiki page. He recently was quoted saying: “Gay people should stop being gay.” When he walks down the street and sees a gay, this is what he sees.

One Million Moms

The organization One Million Moms gained popularity after targeting Ellen Degeneres and her appearances on ads featured by JC Penney. The group (which has never shown proof of having one million members) sought out to boycott the store, however they lost the battle with JC Penney supporting Ellen and Ellen ripping them a new birth canal on her show. Now the group has eyed ‘Archie’ comics for publishing a gay wedding. First its a person simply appearing in ads that aren’t gay themed. Now it’s comic books?  One can admit their cause of protecting children from unsafe messages in the media may have legitimacy but why such meaningless issues? Their next cause will be eradicating gay flatulation.

Pigeons

Yeah, that’s right. We’re on to you. Everyone knows pigeons hate gay people. They shit everywhere, ruining our nice shirts. They get in the way when you are walking down the street. They fly near your face while on the sidewalk, scaring homos into extremely gay startled gestures. But despite how annoying they are, there is such a large body of research about the bastard animal. There are probably more studies about pigeons than gay people. Someone even went through the trouble to find out pigeons can count. Anyway, someone needed to say it… Forget pigeons.

12. Television Shows With Gay Characters In Lead Roles

Gays love shows that revolve around gay characters. In the past, we enjoyed the awesome stereotypical “Will & Grace” along with the sexy, well, stereotypical “Queer as Folk.” Then we had the terrible “Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Girls” which thank god that’s gone.

LogoTv was meant to serve the community with a lot of LGBTQ programming. Programs like the hilarious “Rick and Steve,” the gay black drama “Noah’s Arc,” Rosie O’Donnell sponsored “Big Gay Sketch Show” colored the program. Recently Logo announced their new TV lineup and in the future we will have nothing! All of the new television series slated to appear on the channel will not feature gay characters in a lead role.

Logo’s justification for the change is odd. Representatives for the channel say that gays do not watch television with gay lead characters. They cite a study in which they claim 53 percent of gays who engaged in the study conveyed that gays “don’t hide being gay, but that for them it’s not a priority to showcase it.” It also claimed 30 percent “indicated that they preferred living and socializing in exclusively gay and lesbian communities.”

Lisa Sherman, Executive Vice President of Logo, said “Culturally, we’re past the tipping point. For gays and lesbians, it’s part of who they are, but they don’t lead with it, because many are leading fully integrated, mainstream lives.”

Ok, LogoTV, it’s time to get real. For those who do not know the channel’s programming, let me summarize it for you with one word: shitty. The shows that Logo aired were so bad David Hasselhoff would star in them. Their movies contained bad acting and bad writing. For instance, “Can’t Get A Date” featured beauty-challenged  New Yorkers who took pictures (that were later photoshopped) to put on online dating services to get dates. I’m serious. The network’s program with the highest ratings “Rupaul’s Drag Race,” appeals to gay men and women, but not every gay is interested in drag or their drama.

Logo, maybe if you made better programming gays would watch your shows. Don’t blame us for your shitty shows. You conclude that because gays do not need to shout about their gayness that people do not want to see themselves in the media. That’s like saying because I don’t smell I never need to shower.

 

11. Thinking About Sweets We Shouldn’t Eat

A part of the beauty of NY creates the ugly in your body: the wonderful places to eat. Oh god, just thinking about Magnolia’s Red Velvet Cupcake or any diabetes delicacy from Mollys—not to mention all the street vendors with everything imaginable. It was in New York that the first ice cream cone parlor opened. One main Culprit is the Wafels & Dinges truck that frequents Columbus Circle and Flatiron. Even though dinges sounds disgusting and borderline naughty, it doesn’t matter: everyone would eat a waffle covered with dingeses all day erryday. Those assholes… who can resist this??? Speaking of Flatiron, why is the area around Madison Square Park like the capital of diabetes in NY? Not only are there waffles nearby but there’s also Shakeshack offering custard milkshakes customizable with fudge, caramel, peanut butter, bananas, strawberries, crack preserves, chocolate concrete… okay those aren’t real but you get the point. There is also something that shouldn’t I shouldn’t tell you… no… I won’t… stop reading… really… no, really you’re getting annoying… still?… don’t you have something better to do? OKAY OKAY, I’ll tell you… Incredibly randomly, situated near Madison Square Park is the Girl Scout Council of Greater New York that has a secret store where you can buy girl scout cookies. So you can literally stop by Shakeshack and get girl scout cookies. I’m a bastard for telling you that…

9. Adele

Adele is the shit an amazing singer. This year, she is breaking records, picking up awards everywhere and even outselling Michael Jackson. She has managed to make music that she doesn’t have to be ashamed of after a decade and she’s gained fame for it. She’s the kind of artist you can bring home to mama. But most importantly, gays love the hell out of her. Through her achievements, she has also gained another honor that must be acknowledged: she is a gay icon.

We knew about her, of course, before everyone else discovered her while she was in her “Chasing Pavements” and “Hometown Glory” days from her first album. We cherished her next to our Kate Nash, accepting Brit chicks as our new obsession. Then of course straight people took her, but something tells me the breeder enemy can’t ruin this one. I don’t think we have to worry about an awkward collaboration with Timbaland or a Young Money business deal in the future with her. She is good—not because of a production behind her or a great team giving her strong appearances. No, people like Adele because Adele is awesome herself. As her records sell, money that would usually go to some freelance songwriter/producer goes to Adele Atkins herself.

But why do NY gays love Adele? Well, there are many reasons. Her songs are raw and real, and as anyone who lives in NY knows this is a gritty city. It makes sense that her songs would act as a natural soundtrack for the Big Apple. Second, so many people talk about Adele’s weight and how she doesn’t look like a stereotypical pop star. Perhaps because of how her image has become the target of the media’s Louisville Sluggers that gays have felt solidarity with her. Also there’s the fact that there’s nothing better than a big, powerful woman.

And finally, one of the biggest reasons NY gays love Adele is because she is a badass. If you cross Adele, she will write a song about you and internationally make millions of dollars, pounds, euros, kronas and canadian dollars off your sorry ass. Who wouldn’t want to make millions off of telling off an ex boyfriend in front of the whole world? For all of these reasons and more, we love adele and her swagger. Hashtag, Adele swag.

8. David Barton Gym

Gays love night clubs, but what is a gay to do during the day? That’s where the day club that is David Barton Gym comes in. With three locations ( in Chelsea, the Upper East Side, and Astor Place), this gym has become the sexiest place for NY gays to get sexy.

The biggest selling point of the gym is that it tries to be a more deluxe version of a gym, even offering alcohol for its patrons. However, the whole notion of a gym being upscale is confusing. When people work out they make ugly faces, sweat profusely and get funky. Why make a gym luxurious for that??? That’s like cleaning up your place before a hooker arrives, or wearing something expensive to go to Magnolia Bakery.

The tagline of the gym “Look Better Naked” is very appetizing though. It hits you where it hurts; everyone can find something flattering to their shape but the true test of mantenance is the birthday suit, and hell hath no fury a gay rejected because of his body.

David Barton himself is an interesting person. Addicted to gyms since he was 12, the Queens native is an ivy league alum. He graduated from Cornell, majoring human development. The Observer published an article in which journalist Molly Rosen comments,”When he says hello, his neck and right bicep muscle begin to twitch violently, as if they are growing at an inhumanly bionic rate.” In pictures he looks like Hulk Hogan and Rihanna had a baby.

But you have to respect the guy. Gays love his establishment and he obviously made it for us. He seems like a breeder we could be okay with. In December 2010, he held a toy drive party at the Astor Place location. This is what it looked like.

7. Dance Music

If you are someone used to bars where breeders typically go, you will notice immediately when you walk into a gay bar that the music is not the same. Flo Rida anthems and Usher fist pumpers are replaced with four-on-the-floor beats, courtesy of artists such as Madonna, Britney and even David Guetta. Dance music, especially now, has emerged as a zeitgeist in not only clubs but in the music industry itself. Dance music has become the new music crave among gays and not as cool people alike.

Of course, New York gays should feel especially entitled to this type of music. After all, the Big Gay Apple was one of the progenitors of dance music, revolutionizing it for the rest of the world. However, what most don’t know is that house music as we know it actually originated in Chicago. Not only that, but the people who started the music form were gay black men (but of course most dominant music crave stolen to be popularized would naturally have to be a mix between the most copied people on earth: gays and black men).

Gay black people like DJs Larry Levan and Frankie Knuckles who ushered house music into mainstream eventually playing for places like The Continental Baths, a New York bathhouse, in 1973. That bathhouse in the Ansonia Hotel on the Upper West Side would later give birth to performers such as Gladys Knight & The Pips, Bette Miidler and Barry Manilow. Yeah… they don’t usually talk about that.

After Disco ended, gay black men in the late 60s and early 70s who Chicago’s underground music scene attended cheap discos that offered all night music. Gay Black men began getting pissed off if the music was interrupted so in response to the need, DJs fashioned beets that combined soul classics and a four-to-the-floor rhythm. This music would later venture to New York, Europe and now today everyone has found out about the beauty of the beat.

So the moral of the story: gay black people invented everything. The end.