13. Haters

Haters are the best. As you soar, they have comments galore. As you conquer the game, they gossip about your fame. As you get rich, they start to bitch.

Haters are the best because as they talk about you more and more, you get that much more popular. Haters also indicate how successful you are. If you have no haters, you have no accomplishments. They are essential barometers of your abilities and if you amass a multitude of them, you’ve done it right. But the best part about haters is finding out how much of a shit you don’t give about another person’s opinion.

The gay community has many haters. Let’s talk about three of the biggest offenders (though there are so many we could talk about):

Rick Santorum

Everybody is waiting for the day when Rick Santorum is caught in a urinal with a boy prostitute. The man thinks about gay sex more than sex toy makers in San Francisco. He has alienated the gay community so much that his view on homosexuality has its own Wiki page. He recently was quoted saying: “Gay people should stop being gay.” When he walks down the street and sees a gay, this is what he sees.

One Million Moms

The organization One Million Moms gained popularity after targeting Ellen Degeneres and her appearances on ads featured by JC Penney. The group (which has never shown proof of having one million members) sought out to boycott the store, however they lost the battle with JC Penney supporting Ellen and Ellen ripping them a new birth canal on her show. Now the group has eyed ‘Archie’ comics for publishing a gay wedding. First its a person simply appearing in ads that aren’t gay themed. Now it’s comic books? ¬†One can admit their cause of protecting children from unsafe messages in the media may have legitimacy but why such meaningless issues? Their next cause will be¬†eradicating gay flatulation.

Pigeons

Yeah, that’s right. We’re on to you. Everyone knows pigeons hate gay people. They shit everywhere, ruining our nice shirts. They get in the way when you are walking down the street. They fly near your face while on the sidewalk, scaring homos into extremely gay startled gestures. But despite how annoying they are, there is such a large body of research about the bastard animal. There are probably more studies about pigeons than gay people. Someone even went through the trouble to find out pigeons can count. Anyway, someone needed to say it… Forget pigeons.

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