16. Apple Products

One of the staples of being a New York Mo is having Apple products from cell phones, to laptops and computers…. but it’s not enough to have just the basics. We have to have the iPad, the wireless mouse, the iFridge, the iPotty, the iEye… oddly enough, Apple is the closest thing we have to the ‘gay lifestyle’ conservatives believe we live. But it makes sense that we have these expensive gadgets: gays are rich enough to own all apple has to offer unlike other people…

Apple knows whats up. Apparently, they hired a fellow homobro to replace Steve Jobs. However, the rest of the world hasn’t caught up with gays when it comes to the iPhone, or any smart phone for that matter; over 90 percent of people do not have smart phones. It’s sad that most of the world is missing out on the beautiful world of things like apps that can help you with directions, scanning documents, even finding love. Speaking of, here at SNYGL we found three helpful dating apps for gays (that are not freaking Grindr):

Date Check– Wanna know if the person you are about to go out on a date with is crazy before you meet them? This free app allows you to enter the name, phone number or email address of your potential date and find out crucial facts that may make you head for the hills. Their tagline? “Look up before you hook up.”

Passion– Wanna know how good you are at sexing people? There’s an app for that! This application will rate your sexual performance based on how long the ordeal lasts, the…ehem… power  (measured by the iPhone’s built-in accelerometer) and how loud you are, rating you a score out of 10. Not only that but you can share your results with people around the world.

iPickup Lines– I don’t really need to explain this app, but I’ll give you examples of suggestions it gives: “I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.” “Baby you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.” “POOF! (What are u doing?) I’m here, where are your other two wishes?” “Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy!”

…But seriously Apple on behalf of the gay community of New York, we thank you for support. We know you are with us every step of the way; after all, you named your company after a fruit (bu-dum-chic).

13. Haters

Haters are the best. As you soar, they have comments galore. As you conquer the game, they gossip about your fame. As you get rich, they start to bitch.

Haters are the best because as they talk about you more and more, you get that much more popular. Haters also indicate how successful you are. If you have no haters, you have no accomplishments. They are essential barometers of your abilities and if you amass a multitude of them, you’ve done it right. But the best part about haters is finding out how much of a shit you don’t give about another person’s opinion.

The gay community has many haters. Let’s talk about three of the biggest offenders (though there are so many we could talk about):

Rick Santorum

Everybody is waiting for the day when Rick Santorum is caught in a urinal with a boy prostitute. The man thinks about gay sex more than sex toy makers in San Francisco. He has alienated the gay community so much that his view on homosexuality has its own Wiki page. He recently was quoted saying: “Gay people should stop being gay.” When he walks down the street and sees a gay, this is what he sees.

One Million Moms

The organization One Million Moms gained popularity after targeting Ellen Degeneres and her appearances on ads featured by JC Penney. The group (which has never shown proof of having one million members) sought out to boycott the store, however they lost the battle with JC Penney supporting Ellen and Ellen ripping them a new birth canal on her show. Now the group has eyed ‘Archie’ comics for publishing a gay wedding. First its a person simply appearing in ads that aren’t gay themed. Now it’s comic books?  One can admit their cause of protecting children from unsafe messages in the media may have legitimacy but why such meaningless issues? Their next cause will be eradicating gay flatulation.

Pigeons

Yeah, that’s right. We’re on to you. Everyone knows pigeons hate gay people. They shit everywhere, ruining our nice shirts. They get in the way when you are walking down the street. They fly near your face while on the sidewalk, scaring homos into extremely gay startled gestures. But despite how annoying they are, there is such a large body of research about the bastard animal. There are probably more studies about pigeons than gay people. Someone even went through the trouble to find out pigeons can count. Anyway, someone needed to say it… Forget pigeons.

6. Being Sad

Everyone needs to get a little crying fix now and then but come on gays, let’s admit it: we lay it on thick sometimes. But again, there’s nothing like admitting your sadness to others and being blanketed by uplifting remarks and care. It’s like being sick at your mom’s place and having her cook chicken noodle soup for your enabled, Failure to Launch ass.

Or even if you are alone, there’s nothing like an excuse to pop open a Haagen Dazs to help smooth your rocky road (ha ha ha, see what I did there?).

But on the serious side, gays have exhibited higher rates of depression than heterosexuals. It is also said that this depression leads to alcohol and substance abuse (like Lohan dust). People are still researching why gays experience more depression. Oh, I don’t know, maybe the weight of disapproval from society along with ubiquitous inequality and ignorance penetrating our every single day living? It’s just a guess.

Either way, if you are a gay feeling depression from #gayboyproblems or from another life situation, know that it gets better. And if my words didn’t help, here’s a laugh…

4. Tea

New York gays love tea. Thanks to the retailers like Teavana and even Starbucks, people are interested in leaves that may be healthier alternative for those afraid of coffee addiction or energy drinks.

There are hundreds of shops in Manhattan that sell the leafy gold. There are many notable “Tea Salons” in New York such as Alice’s Tea Cup on the Upper West Side and Franchia in East Midtown. One that is highly frequented by gays is Tea and Sympathy in the West Village. It’s a bit strange that of all the names they could have chosen for the shop, which is located in a very gay part of town, the owners decided to use one that shares the title of a homophobic movie. But hey, gays who enjoy tea have to endure teabag jokes anyway (what did you think I was going link to?).

But it appears that the whole country has discovered its beauty. According to the Tea Association of the USA, the dollar value of tea in the United States will move from over $7.77 Billion in 2010 to nearly $15 billion by the end of 2014. This may have a lot to do with Starbucks and iced tea drinks (85% of tea is consumed over ice).

But why do gays like tea? There are many explanations: the Tea Association of the USA also explains that tea appeals to the individuality of consumers, and we all know gays love to express individuality. The association goes further and describing tea demographics with the same adjectives that I would describe the NY gay scene with: describing them as a younger, more affluent, more educated, health conscious, and socially responsible. I would also describe Bravo TV’s programming with the same adjective, proving my assertion.

1. The Ability to Get Married

One of the initial features of The Big Apple that attracts queer eyes has to be without a doubt the ability to get married to someone of the same sex. As of today only five other states allow legal recognition of same-sex couples. It was on Sunday July 24th 2011 that gay couples that had been together for years were able to get married in the eyes of the law in the Big Apple.

On that Sunday, 659 marriage licenses were issued according to Mayor Bloomberg. Gays came out in droves to snatch up licenses before New Yorkers changed their minds. Even a liquidation sale at Crate and Barrel couldn’t have kept the gays away from the county clerk’s office.

Why the fight for marriage? Aside from the highly publicized many legal benefits, marriage has been proved to promote a psychological well-being.  Hundreds of studies have found lower rates of depression, substance abuse, and alcoholism in married couples. And it just so happens that research suggests that those three afflictions happen to be high in the LGBTQ community. In a way, marriage may be more meaningful to gays than heterosexuals because of the potential psychological benefits it may offer.

Unfortunately for many gay couples, the difficulties of having a gay marriage didn’t stop simply because it was deemed as acceptable in the eyes of the law. Gays must endure problems unique to the community.

6 reasons why gay marriage is harder

Taxes:

When Gay marriage was legalized the government was presented with a problem: while the city of New York allows gay marriage, it is not a federal right. This means that when gay couples were to fill out tax information, there would discrepancies in their tax information between New York and US. What New York decided to do was make the ‘inconveniencing, yet equal’ rule that gay couples must fill out two sets of taxes: one for the NY state registering them as a couple and a set they must fill out individually to send to the federal government. A walkthrough exists to guide couples through the process, but it is no doubt extra work and as the NY Times suggested, possibly more expensive if using an accountant.

Lack of resources:

If you are gay couple looking to get married, you probably have gay taste. This means everything has to be #$%$ fabulous (aka a little girl’s Cinderella wedding dreams on gay crack). One thing you may want is a cake topper—wait, where the hell are you going to get a gay cake topper??? And even if you do, will it be serious? You’ll probably have to buy one online and pay more than a straight couple would. Aside from the cake, many catering organizations will roll their eyes at a gay couple wanting their services to help with the wedding. Which brings up another issue…

Health Insurance:

If you are a gay couple looking to get health insurance, you will be charged more than a heterosexual couple. The New York Times released an article that described hypothetical income situations of gay couple and found that it is very expensive to be married to someone of the same sex. Although the numbers aren’t perfect and are based off of many assumptions, the suggestions are very telling.

Finding a Venue:

If you find yourself in a gay couple wanting to get married, you can’t just waltz into any church and say, “Can I host my big gay dream wedding on your premises?” Church of Jesus Christ of LDS doesn’t allow gay marriages (note: this has not been checked, but it’s a Mormon church and we just figured… not that you wanted to get married there… unless you’re a Mormon gay couple and if that’s the case, sorry :/). For a list of places that do, you can click here.

Guests:

For many gay couples planning weddings, the guest list can be a daunting list. For one, if you an uninvited gay finds out you neglected to send them an invitation, shit’s gonna get cray-cray. Hell hath no fury a queer scorned. But more on the serious side, often the issue of who to invite is most problematic when it comes to family and how awkward it may be to tell grandmother not only are you gay but you’re marring someone. Even worse, it is not uncommon for parents not to attend the wedding out of religious beliefs, which can easily put a damper on the whole day. It isn’t too often in heterosexual marriages that parents will be discouraged from attending the event (aside from a parent not liking the person their son/daughter is marrying). However for many gay couples, this is a reality.

Finding all things gay friendly:

When it comes down to it, so much careful planning must go into a gay wedding that heterosexuals do not have to endure. Because of the tradition of having a religious figure serve as the officiant, again there may be problems finding someone who will perform the task. Luckily there exists a list that shows many New York gay friendly organizations that can provide someone. Also, many gay couples desire to get their rings engraved or catered more to the gay community. After some careful searching, even those can be found here.

For more advice for making your gay marriage a stunner, visit gay.weddings.com.