16. Apple Products

One of the staples of being a New York Mo is having Apple products from cell phones, to laptops and computers…. but it’s not enough to have just the basics. We have to have the iPad, the wireless mouse, the iFridge, the iPotty, the iEye… oddly enough, Apple is the closest thing we have to the ‘gay lifestyle’ conservatives believe we live. But it makes sense that we have these expensive gadgets: gays are rich enough to own all apple has to offer unlike other people…

Apple knows whats up. Apparently, they hired a fellow homobro to replace Steve Jobs. However, the rest of the world hasn’t caught up with gays when it comes to the iPhone, or any smart phone for that matter; over 90 percent of people do not have smart phones. It’s sad that most of the world is missing out on the beautiful world of things like apps that can help you with directions, scanning documents, even finding love. Speaking of, here at SNYGL we found three helpful dating apps for gays (that are not freaking Grindr):

Date Check– Wanna know if the person you are about to go out on a date with is crazy before you meet them? This free app allows you to enter the name, phone number or email address of your potential date and find out crucial facts that may make you head for the hills. Their tagline? “Look up before you hook up.”

Passion– Wanna know how good you are at sexing people? There’s an app for that! This application will rate your sexual performance based on how long the ordeal lasts, the…ehem… power  (measured by the iPhone’s built-in accelerometer) and how loud you are, rating you a score out of 10. Not only that but you can share your results with people around the world.

iPickup Lines– I don’t really need to explain this app, but I’ll give you examples of suggestions it gives: “I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.” “Baby you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.” “POOF! (What are u doing?) I’m here, where are your other two wishes?” “Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy!”

…But seriously Apple on behalf of the gay community of New York, we thank you for support. We know you are with us every step of the way; after all, you named your company after a fruit (bu-dum-chic).

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13. Haters

Haters are the best. As you soar, they have comments galore. As you conquer the game, they gossip about your fame. As you get rich, they start to bitch.

Haters are the best because as they talk about you more and more, you get that much more popular. Haters also indicate how successful you are. If you have no haters, you have no accomplishments. They are essential barometers of your abilities and if you amass a multitude of them, you’ve done it right. But the best part about haters is finding out how much of a shit you don’t give about another person’s opinion.

The gay community has many haters. Let’s talk about three of the biggest offenders (though there are so many we could talk about):

Rick Santorum

Everybody is waiting for the day when Rick Santorum is caught in a urinal with a boy prostitute. The man thinks about gay sex more than sex toy makers in San Francisco. He has alienated the gay community so much that his view on homosexuality has its own Wiki page. He recently was quoted saying: “Gay people should stop being gay.” When he walks down the street and sees a gay, this is what he sees.

One Million Moms

The organization One Million Moms gained popularity after targeting Ellen Degeneres and her appearances on ads featured by JC Penney. The group (which has never shown proof of having one million members) sought out to boycott the store, however they lost the battle with JC Penney supporting Ellen and Ellen ripping them a new birth canal on her show. Now the group has eyed ‘Archie’ comics for publishing a gay wedding. First its a person simply appearing in ads that aren’t gay themed. Now it’s comic books?  One can admit their cause of protecting children from unsafe messages in the media may have legitimacy but why such meaningless issues? Their next cause will be eradicating gay flatulation.

Pigeons

Yeah, that’s right. We’re on to you. Everyone knows pigeons hate gay people. They shit everywhere, ruining our nice shirts. They get in the way when you are walking down the street. They fly near your face while on the sidewalk, scaring homos into extremely gay startled gestures. But despite how annoying they are, there is such a large body of research about the bastard animal. There are probably more studies about pigeons than gay people. Someone even went through the trouble to find out pigeons can count. Anyway, someone needed to say it… Forget pigeons.

9. Adele

Adele is the shit an amazing singer. This year, she is breaking records, picking up awards everywhere and even outselling Michael Jackson. She has managed to make music that she doesn’t have to be ashamed of after a decade and she’s gained fame for it. She’s the kind of artist you can bring home to mama. But most importantly, gays love the hell out of her. Through her achievements, she has also gained another honor that must be acknowledged: she is a gay icon.

We knew about her, of course, before everyone else discovered her while she was in her “Chasing Pavements” and “Hometown Glory” days from her first album. We cherished her next to our Kate Nash, accepting Brit chicks as our new obsession. Then of course straight people took her, but something tells me the breeder enemy can’t ruin this one. I don’t think we have to worry about an awkward collaboration with Timbaland or a Young Money business deal in the future with her. She is good—not because of a production behind her or a great team giving her strong appearances. No, people like Adele because Adele is awesome herself. As her records sell, money that would usually go to some freelance songwriter/producer goes to Adele Atkins herself.

But why do NY gays love Adele? Well, there are many reasons. Her songs are raw and real, and as anyone who lives in NY knows this is a gritty city. It makes sense that her songs would act as a natural soundtrack for the Big Apple. Second, so many people talk about Adele’s weight and how she doesn’t look like a stereotypical pop star. Perhaps because of how her image has become the target of the media’s Louisville Sluggers that gays have felt solidarity with her. Also there’s the fact that there’s nothing better than a big, powerful woman.

And finally, one of the biggest reasons NY gays love Adele is because she is a badass. If you cross Adele, she will write a song about you and internationally make millions of dollars, pounds, euros, kronas and canadian dollars off your sorry ass. Who wouldn’t want to make millions off of telling off an ex boyfriend in front of the whole world? For all of these reasons and more, we love adele and her swagger. Hashtag, Adele swag.

8. David Barton Gym

Gays love night clubs, but what is a gay to do during the day? That’s where the day club that is David Barton Gym comes in. With three locations ( in Chelsea, the Upper East Side, and Astor Place), this gym has become the sexiest place for NY gays to get sexy.

The biggest selling point of the gym is that it tries to be a more deluxe version of a gym, even offering alcohol for its patrons. However, the whole notion of a gym being upscale is confusing. When people work out they make ugly faces, sweat profusely and get funky. Why make a gym luxurious for that??? That’s like cleaning up your place before a hooker arrives, or wearing something expensive to go to Magnolia Bakery.

The tagline of the gym “Look Better Naked” is very appetizing though. It hits you where it hurts; everyone can find something flattering to their shape but the true test of mantenance is the birthday suit, and hell hath no fury a gay rejected because of his body.

David Barton himself is an interesting person. Addicted to gyms since he was 12, the Queens native is an ivy league alum. He graduated from Cornell, majoring human development. The Observer published an article in which journalist Molly Rosen comments,”When he says hello, his neck and right bicep muscle begin to twitch violently, as if they are growing at an inhumanly bionic rate.” In pictures he looks like Hulk Hogan and Rihanna had a baby.

But you have to respect the guy. Gays love his establishment and he obviously made it for us. He seems like a breeder we could be okay with. In December 2010, he held a toy drive party at the Astor Place location. This is what it looked like.

6. Being Sad

Everyone needs to get a little crying fix now and then but come on gays, let’s admit it: we lay it on thick sometimes. But again, there’s nothing like admitting your sadness to others and being blanketed by uplifting remarks and care. It’s like being sick at your mom’s place and having her cook chicken noodle soup for your enabled, Failure to Launch ass.

Or even if you are alone, there’s nothing like an excuse to pop open a Haagen Dazs to help smooth your rocky road (ha ha ha, see what I did there?).

But on the serious side, gays have exhibited higher rates of depression than heterosexuals. It is also said that this depression leads to alcohol and substance abuse (like Lohan dust). People are still researching why gays experience more depression. Oh, I don’t know, maybe the weight of disapproval from society along with ubiquitous inequality and ignorance penetrating our every single day living? It’s just a guess.

Either way, if you are a gay feeling depression from #gayboyproblems or from another life situation, know that it gets better. And if my words didn’t help, here’s a laugh…

4. Tea

New York gays love tea. Thanks to the retailers like Teavana and even Starbucks, people are interested in leaves that may be healthier alternative for those afraid of coffee addiction or energy drinks.

There are hundreds of shops in Manhattan that sell the leafy gold. There are many notable “Tea Salons” in New York such as Alice’s Tea Cup on the Upper West Side and Franchia in East Midtown. One that is highly frequented by gays is Tea and Sympathy in the West Village. It’s a bit strange that of all the names they could have chosen for the shop, which is located in a very gay part of town, the owners decided to use one that shares the title of a homophobic movie. But hey, gays who enjoy tea have to endure teabag jokes anyway (what did you think I was going link to?).

But it appears that the whole country has discovered its beauty. According to the Tea Association of the USA, the dollar value of tea in the United States will move from over $7.77 Billion in 2010 to nearly $15 billion by the end of 2014. This may have a lot to do with Starbucks and iced tea drinks (85% of tea is consumed over ice).

But why do gays like tea? There are many explanations: the Tea Association of the USA also explains that tea appeals to the individuality of consumers, and we all know gays love to express individuality. The association goes further and describing tea demographics with the same adjectives that I would describe the NY gay scene with: describing them as a younger, more affluent, more educated, health conscious, and socially responsible. I would also describe Bravo TV’s programming with the same adjective, proving my assertion.

2. Topman Clothing

Topman gay (top·man ghey) noun; origin: first Euro. “pretentious lad everyone wanted to be”

1. An evolution of the Urban Outfitter gay (equipped with sharper image, yet so much less chill about the small stuff)

2. An evolution of the H&M gay (due to loss of vestige responsible for being cheap)

The Topman in Soho first opened up its doors April 1st of 2009 with Kate Moss cutting the ribbon, revealing to NY gays the overpriced heaven that is their clothing.

Topman is a pillar in the NY gay community, not only because it is so frequently worn by Gayorkers but also because it is a clothing outlet straight men have yet to exploit. Every gay knows that straight men steal queer clothing trends as fast as they steal things black people like. First they took Gap from us so we migrated to Urban Outfitter. However they stole that with a vengeance and ruined it; we wore Urban to look grungy ironically while breeders wore it to actually look and be grungy.  Alas we migrated to H&M but damn breeders found out about that too because of how cheap it was, like Forever 21 for men. They also stole American Apparel for a bit but decided to give it back (but let’s be honest: nobody who respects their body would ever let something from American touch it). Topman is our latest bastion in the ever present battle to preserve our fashion.